On Tuesday night, my husband and I were watching a show before bed. While we were watching, a Mother’s Day commercial came on and I burst into tears. This is another Mother’s Day that we won’t have tiny little feet running down the halls or shrill cries waking us up in the middle of the night. I’m not 35 weeks pregnant like I thought I would be when I had a positive pregnancy test in November. There is no crib in the nursery. There’s no smell of diapers or baby wipes filling the hall. My womb is empty, and there is no baby to hold.
My husband and I both agree that 85% of the time, we are fine. We’re joyful. We’re at peace. We know the Lord is using this time, and we’re grateful for that. But 15% of the time, the weight of infertility feels unbearable. It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to go to the appointments. We’re sad. We are far from fine. That night, I was in the 15%. I was so tired. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of the doctor’s appointments. I was tired of putting on a strong face. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to give up. I sat in bed sobbing, asking the Lord, “How will I make it through the week? How will I survive this Mother’s Day? How can I rejoice with others? How can I stay strong, Lord? I am so tired. I just don’t want to do this anymore.” I had my husband pray over me, and we went to bed. Throughout the rest of the week, we had a few sad moments, but mostly we felt the Lord’s peace.
I was fine until I woke up this morning, and I was reminded that it was Mother’s Day. That cloud of sadness appeared again, and I immediately began worrying. “What if I can’t keep it together during church? What if our pastor has all the Mom’s stand and I’ll be left sitting? What if someone wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day? Lord, this is hard. What am I going to do?”
Then, I got a text. And another one. And another one. And 4 more after that. I had friend’s thinking about me at 8 o’clock this morning! Friends telling me they were praying for me. Friends saying they know that today may be hard, but they’re lifting me up. When I got to church, a few women made a point to come up and hug me, and one made sure to sit with my husband and I. Our pastor recognized the mom’s in the congregation, and we all clapped. Then, to my surprise, he recognized all the women who had lost a child, and he prayed for us. My friend and I held each other’s hands and cried throughout the prayer. At the end of the service, all the women who had lost a child were given a rose for Mother’s Day, along with a book. I had another friend from church hug me and give me a little gift to show she was thinking of me.
While at church, I had a flashback of Tuesday night. I saw myself sobbing in my bed and telling God I didn’t know if I could make it any longer. Little did I know then, He already planned to have all these wonderful women encourage me on this Mother’s Day. He sent these ladies to love on me when I was just too tired to keep going. There He was again, in the hands and feet of so many who surround me, using them to remind me of His unfailing love, unending grace, and constant encouragement.
On this Mother’s Day, I may still be waiting on my little miracle, but I know more than ever that the Lord has me right where He needs me, and He’s not going to let me down. He will always be everything I need. He will be my sustainer and encourager, and He will continue to leave me in awe of the way He works. I haven’t been forgotten. I’m not alone. He’s provided a village of support that shines light and encourages me to keep going. I get to see His face in each small act of kindness. I get to use this time to prepare my heart and my home for the babies to come. That is the magnificent God I serve.
To the one who is hurting today, I’m praying for you and I want to remind you that the Lord sees your pain. He is closer than ever. I pray His light will shine for you as well, no matter how difficult the situation.
Always thinking of you….
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